I’m feeling really upbeat and thankful right now which is strange, because the end of this week was really a struggle. I can’t yet decide if there is comfort or horror in the knowledge that the bad days will end, and that if I can keep everything well balanced they pass in days and not weeks or months. The thing is, if bad times always end, and they do, then so do the good times. That was a hard concept for me to make peace with. Everyone seems very focused on the first half, “this won’t last, things will get better!” Meanwhile I’m trying really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that these days will never stop happening. It’s the ultimate entrapment. You can never escape yourself. It makes any work to ameliorate the bad times feel futile, since they are inevitable.
Today, however, is a good day. I have nothing more urgent than a date with my boy and some tamales in my future scheduled for the rest of my day. I had a tasty breakfast, chatted with my sister and multiple groups of friends. I spent an hour lounging in bed with the cats. I got my hair cut and got to spend a couple hours hanging out with cool people being excited for me to try something new. I felt GOOD enough to try something new. I’ve been compared to Pat Benatar and Sheena Easton, both of whom I had to google image search later. I own Product for the first time in my life. I still don’t really know what Product is.
This week has been rough, but today is awesome and the trick isn’t that each will end and begin again. The trick is figuring out how not to tie that into your sense of self and self-worth. Today I feel lucky I got to enjoy all of that stuff. Tomorrow will hopefully be amazing, in a completely different way. If it isn’t, it doesn’t mean I did “life” wrong, it just means that day went squidgy. Or that hour. Or those ten minutes. Which is really not so different from “normal” folks, except that it is a lot more effortless to move through those times.
Depression lies (thanks The Bloggess, your latest book arrived at my house at just the right moment), and one of the most dangerous things I can do is to listen to it. It’s a parasite that lives longest when we believe it will never die. I’m lucky this week, because even when it felt that way I had plenty of people supporting me and shepherding me through to the other side. Because my people are fucking amazing. The pocket-friends who I only see in 140 char chunks, the ones whose pockets I lived out of for years but only get to see once in a blue moon, and the ones who see me day to day and can help me regulate how things are going. You guys rock, thank you. {{hugs}}
A twitter buddy of mine is committing to writing 500 words a day on some topic, and invited others to join her. Feel free to write alongside us, exercise those grammar muscles, and do a little wordsmithing. The hashtag on twitter is #500wordsAbout.