You can tell a lot about how I am doing on any given day, by looking at what I am wearing. For a long time, it was just my socks - purple dinosaur knee socks were a sure indicator that something was feeling shaky, yellow elephants friendship socks might mean I was feeling alone.
These days, it’s gone a bit further. I’m a bandaid & some purple aviators away from dressing as Hawkeye at least once a week, and if the right bits aren’t clean, I’ll at least wear the purple Chucks. Captain America’s shield emblem pops up pretty regularly, as well.
It’s not that these super-heroes are paragons of perfection or anything, but I like to think I can see something about myself in them. Clint never gives up, even when he fucks up and he’s hurting, he’s always trying to do better. Steve values his friends around him, and is willing to throw off authority figures whenever they make decisions that will hurt rather than help the people around him.
Tuesday, feeling nervous about the election, I wore my brand new Mockingbird t-shirt. It’s got Bobbi Morse standing on a beach with a fruity beverage and a t-shirt that reads “Ask Me About My Feminist Agenda”. I had to stop and think before I bought it - if someone asks, what would my answer be? “To help all women be paid fairly for their labor, be allowed to control their lives and bodies, and to live well.” I think it’s a pretty good answer that I was hoping we would be seeing in action, as the day went on.
Wednesday, as the shock set in, and everyone around me struggled to deal with their feelings, and their fear, and their plan of defense for the future, I felt like Cap’s shield washing away, was pretty appropriate. It felt like even the sky was scared and angry and sad, and that’s what the rain drizzling down was about.
I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here, other than that especially when things are hard, it’s okay to look to your heroes and channel them a bit. It’s okay to do silly things to remind yourself who you are, and who you want to be. It’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve, even if it’s encoded in nerdy super-hero references.